There is a saying that I got from my sister that I like a lot.
"I want to go to their house,
Kick in the door,
Drag them out into the street,
And hug them till they get it."
I would like to do all of those things to the person that abused me for so many years when I was young, but the truth is that even though I haven't lived there for almost 20 years, I still have nightmares about some of the things that I can remember happening to me there, and I am still afraid of him.
I wish that I wasn't, I am an adult now and I still feel like I am a helpless 9 year old every time I think of him and that place. When I know that I am going to have to see him for some reason, I usually can't sleep for several days before, and for some reason can't stop crying for days after he leaves.
He scares me, even now when I am writing this I feel like I am doing something wrong and that he will find out. My chest hurts when he used to poke it with his brick finger, my throat hurts from wanting to scream like I wanted to scream them and couldn't because I knew that it would just make it worse.
He was relentless, he had absolute power over me, I was the focus for all his frustrations and disapointments. From 20 years ago and many states away, he is making me cry right now.
I was a girl and he refused to believe it, thinking that if he hit me enough that I would be someone that I simply could not be.
I was creative and he was not even though he tried, so everything I did had to be perfect or it was worthless.
Everything that I did was wrong and everything that someone else did he didn't like and couldn't do something about was reason enough to boil.
Nights were the worst, one of his favorite things was to come into my room at 2AM and flip the bed over when I was sleeping and start kicking me while I tried to get away so I could put some clothes on, because you 'DID NOT DARE WEAR ANYTHING WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING' since he also like to spin me around the room by whatever I had on till I fell over something or just ran into a wall.
I would like to say that I am angry with him but I am not, I am just afraid. Afraid he will know, he will come back because I wont be able to run, or talk, or breathe.
Their are other people that I am angry with, the people that knew and did nothing, that would listen to a 10 year old explain away a new set of bruises on a weekly basis and not think to check what was going on. That would listen to me when I tried to explain how I was feeling without saying his name and didnt get it.
But the person that I was the most confused with was my Mother. She had left him because he did all of these things to her, and she let me go out there and then when she would ask me if I wanted to leave WOULD FUCKING BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAID NO because I couldn't say anything else, because he would know.
For the longest time I thought that everyone had flashbacks and would lose all touch with what was going on around them. That would disapere for months at a time into a bottle. and would take speed to stay awake because nightime was the worst. That their was no sence talking about any of it since I wouldn't be believed and it happened to everyone else anyway.
It has been pointed out to me by one of the few people that I trust that 'no, that isn't right and that I really should work through some of this and see if I can salvage whats left of my life.
So that's what is going to be here, all of the things that I suddenly am remembering, along with the feelings and pain and doubts.
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